Pirates of the Caribbean: Remixed!
by Cruel Irony
Summary: Your favorite scenes remixed! Mostly dribble, no slash
1. Chapter 1

A bit of randomness for everyone. As usual I owneth not Pirates nor anything else. I don't even own the computer I'm typing on! Don't forget to read and review and if anyone has any ideas I'd love to steal them from you! Or commondeer actually, nuatical term of course.

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_Voiceover: On the ship towards Port Royal…_

Little Elizabeth: Yo-ho. Yo-ho, a pirate's life for me…. (Looks around sneakily and plugs MP3 in her ears and starts singing and dancing) Oops I did it again, I played with your heart…

Gov. Swann: Elizabeth? What was that?

Little Elizabeth: (Hides MP3) Nothing Father!

_Later..._

Little Elizabeth: Look! There's a piece of wood in the water!

Norrington: Okay. (Shrugs and goes back to conversation with Gov. Swan)

Little Elizabeth: Look! There's an umbrella in the water!

Norrington: That's odd...

Little Elizabeth: Look! Look! Now there's a boy in the water!

Norrington: What the- Elizabeth! Would you stop looking in the water already?

Little Elizabeth:...:

Norrington: ...:

Little Elizabeth: Well, aren't going to haul him up?

Norrington: Looks over the side Naugh.

Little Elizabeth: But why?!

Norrington: I'm not sure really, just this odd feeling that if I do it will somehow effect the entire outcome of my life.

Little Elizabeth:...:

Norrington: Man overboard! (shouts at crew) Get a hook and haul it up! Careful now!


	2. Chapter 2

Ah yes! 'Tis me again! MWAHAHAHA!!! Thought you could get rid of me didn't you? Well I'm back again!

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Voiceover: We see Jack Sparrow sailing….

Jack: CAPTIAN! It's CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!

Voiceover: Oh yeah, Okay we see CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow sailing towards Port Royal…as he passes the bay, he takes his hat off in respect for the pirates that hang in the entry, forever guarding the entrance…

Hanged Pirates: (Join arms and start a chorus line) HELLO MY BABY! HELLO MY HONEY! HELLO MY RAGTIME GAL!

CAPT. Jack: (Looks at empty rum bottle) Must have been more in here than I thought….

Voiceover: Next we CAPT. Jack about to disembark from his noble vessel onto the dock.

CAPT. Jack: (Sticks foot out and steps down. He misses the dock by inches and hits the water with a splash)

Voiceover: No Comment.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks to **Moussaillion de Havilland**, **orpsgod**, and **Jennifer Lynn Weston** for reviewing! I expect everyone else to follow their example!

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_Voiceover: Elizabeth Swann woke suddenly from her dream of the day she had spotted the boy in the water. Getting up, she drifted to the table in her room where the piece of gold she had taken from him was._

Elizabeth: (Crashes into table) "Damnit!" (Rubs leg and looks in the secret compartment that holds the coin. It's not there.) "What the…." (Proceeds to empty draws out onto the floor. A knock on the door startles her.)

Gov Swann: Elizabeth? Are you decent?

Elizabeth: Are you kidding? At this hour? (Continues to look for coin)

Gov. Swann: (Enters) It's half past noon, Elizabeth. (Looks around) What are you doing?

Elizabeth: Looking for that gold piece with the pirate skull on it that I stole from Will Turner eleven years ago. Have you seen it?

Gov. Swann: You mean this stolen gold piece? (Holds it up)

Elizabeth: That's it! Where'd you find it?

Gov. Swann: I've had it since last Halloween! Remember, I dressed up like Davy Jones?

Elizabeth: Oh yeah, that's right. Anyway, I have an odd but persistent desire to wear it today.

Gov. Swann: Well it's a good thing I bought you this new dress with a low front. (Holds it up) Isn't it purty?

Elizabeth: It's awesome! (Looks suspicious) What's up?

Gov. Swann: Do I need a reason to buy my unattached daughter a very expensive dress with a scandalously low neckline?

Elizabeth: (Stares)

Gov. Swann: Okay, okay, I wanted you to wear it to the party today.

Elizabeth: (Behind dressing screen) What party?

Gov. Swann: Norrington's party. He's about to become a bigwig Commodore and he likes you a lot. I thought it would be a great chance for him to get to stare at your cleavage.

Elizabeth: (Gasping noise)

Gov. Swann: Elizabeth? Is everything okay? It's not like Norrington's that bad...

Elizabeth: (Double Gasp)

Gov. Swann: They said that dress was the latest fashion in London.

Elizabeth: (Gasp) Well, they must not breath in London! (Gasp) Why did you order this dress so small?

Gov. Swann: Well, I wanted it to be a surprise, so I used your old measurements.

Elizabeth: My old ones? (Gasp) Like the ones taken when I was twelve?

Gov. Swann: Those are the ones.

Elizabeth: (Gasp) (Face palm) (Gasp)


	4. Chapter 4

Thanks for joining us once again for another amazing chapter! My thanks to all my reviewers! You guys are great! **Jennifer Lynn Weston, Trek Phan of the Caribbean, Moonchild94, **and** Moussaillon de Havilland**.

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(Scone comes off in Will's hand) 

Will: Damn! It's a good thing I have my handy-dandy (Dramatic pause) portable welder! (Pulls welding helmet out of nowhere and welds scorn back on.) "Ha! Once again my super blacksmith powers prevail!"

Gov. Swann: Mr. Turner? Where you speaking to someone?

Will: No! No one at all. I have your order here sir! (Offers box to Gov. Swann)

Gov. Swann: (Looks at box) But I ordered an extra-large cheese with pineapple…

Will: (Opens box)

Gov. Swann: Oh! That order! Yes, that's fine, just fine. (Picks up sword.) Boy it's heavier than it looks!

Will: The tang is nearly the full width of the blade, that's gold filigree laid into the handle.

Gov. Swann: And that means….?

Will: (Takes sword from Gov. Swann and does the flippy thing)

Gov. Swann: Ah! Impressive, Commodore Norrington will be most impressed with this.

Will: This is for Norrington?

Gov. Swann: Yeah, why?

Will: Nothing, I'd have just done a couple of things differently. (Has visions of inscribing sword with Voodoo curses)

Gov. Swann: Gives my regards to your master.

Will: Actually, I made it.

Gov. Swann: HAHAHAAAHAHAH!!! Really Will, you have the best sense of humor! Hahhahaa…

Elizabeth: Will!

Will: Elizabeth!

Gov. Swann: Mr. Turner!

Will: I mean, Ms. Swann!

Elizabeth: Father!

Gov. Swann: Fine!

Elizabeth: Will!

Will: Elizabeth!

_Voiceover: BINGO!_

Will…

Elizabeth…

Gov. Swann…

_Voiceover: Okay, okay. (Grumbles under breath) Geezs, can't you guys take a joke?_

Elizabeth: What was that?

_Voiceover: Nothing! Back to the movie!_

Elizabeth: Will! I had a dream about you last night!

Will: Really? Were we doing anything interesting?

Gov. Swann: I don't think this is appropriate.

Elizabeth: Hush Father! It was just about the day we pulled Will out of the middle of the ocean.

Gov. Swann: (Relieved)

Will: (Disappointed. Curbs brain from thinking about other nightly activities involving Elizabeth)

Elizabeth: And I stole that piece of jewelry from you!

Will: What jewelry?

Elizabeth: (Holds up gold piece)

Will: Hay! I'd thought I lost that!

Elizabeth: Of course not! I've been keeping it safe for you so you can't loose it!

Will: Oh, yeah! Of course!

Elizabeth: So can I continue to keep it safe for you? (Pouts)

Will: (Drools) Uh, sure, whatever you want.

Elizabeth: Goody! (Kisses Will on cheek)

Gov. Swann: Okay…um I think it's time to go now. (Drags Elizabeth out the door and into the carriage)

Elizabeth: Bye Will!

Will: Good-bye, Elizabeth….


	5. Chapter 5

Hay there everyone! Sorry about the wait! And I'm not sure what happened to the last chapter, the computer seems to have eaten the opening! Aaack! Will work on correcting it later, but for now enjoy!

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_Voiceover: CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow attempts to preserve his dignity as he climbs out of the water…_

CAPT. Jack: IT'S Capt- never mind.

_Voiceover: Continuing on now…. CAPTAIN Jack climbs out of the water and heads toward the lovely town of Port Royal…._

Harbormaster: Hay you! You've got to pay to tie up to that dock!

(Both look back at the sunken ship)

CAPT. Jack: But I didn't tie it up.

Harbormaster: Then you'll have to move it!

CAPT. Jack: But it's sunk, you can't tie up or move a sunken ship!

Harbormaster: Then you'll have to pay the three shillings!

CAPT. Jack: Hay! In the script it was one shilling to tie up and three to forget the name!

Harbormaster: Aye, it was one shilling to tie up, however since you pointed out that you can't tie up a sunken ship it'll be three shillings to leave it there and five to forget the name, which you haven't suggested yet.

CAPT. Jack: Well, screw that! (Runs over and throws a rope around the mast then ties it to the dock) See? Now it's all nice and tied up so I owe you just the one shilling!

Harbormaster: But how am I supposed to forget your name with one shilling?

CAPT. Jack: Ah! But you can't forget my name because I haven't ever enlightened you to what it is, ergo making it impossible to forget what you in fact never knew in the first place.

Harbormaster…

CAPT: Jack…

Slave boy:…

Harbormaster: Welcome to Port Royal Mr. Norrington!

CAPT Jack: Norrington?!

Harbormaster: Turner?

CAPT. Jack: That would be the whelp from the last chapter.

Harbormaster: Swann?

CAPT. Jack: Now you're just guessing.

Harbormaster: Oh fine! (Pulls script out of his back pocket) Ah! Here we are! Welcome to Port Royal Mr. Smith! And don't forget to steal my coin purse as you leave.

CAPT. Jack: If you insist…(bows and steals said purse as he goes)

Harbormaster: He seemed like such a nice guy, shame about what happens in the next movie….

Slave boy: (looks at him oddly)

Harbormaster: What? I read the leaked script online!


	6. Chapter 6

I'm baaaaack!!! Anyone miss me?! *Silence, crickets chirp*. Fine, well here we go with the next chapter.

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_Voiceover: Meanwhile at Fort Charles, Norrington's Ceremony is underway. With choreographed precision, Gov. Swann starts remove the beautifully made sword from its box..._

(Sword catches on something)

Gov. Swann: What the- (Tugs harder)

Norrington: Do you need help?

Gov. Swann: No, no I've got it. Just stand there and continue to look handsome. (Braces foot against the box and continues to pull)

Norrington: Really Governor, I think I ought to help..

Gov. Swann: No...(Tug)...that's...(tug)...really...(tug)... not...(tug)...necessary...(Sword flies out of the box and hits Norrington in the face)

Gov. Swann: See there? I told you I could get it! Commodore, are you all right?

Norrington: (Clutching face) I fink you browk my mose!

Gov. Swann: Oh dear, here let me see. (Gets really, really close to Norrington's face) Nope, looks just fine to me. It isn't really even bleeding that much.

Norrington: I don't believe you.

Gov. Swann: Oh come now? Would I lie to you?

Norrington: (Glare)

Gov. Swann: Don't be that way. Here this should make you feel better! (Thrusts sword at Norrington) A pretty new sword to play with! Oh, and did I mention that Elizabeth is here?

Norrington: Elizabeth?! Where?! (Starts to look around desperately then regains his composure) I mean, er, how nice of Miss Swann to attend. I shall have to greet her personally in a moment.

Gov. Swann: Yes, well better you then that blacksmith.

Norrington: What?

Gov. Swann: Nothing, nothing. Here now, show your nice new sword to the fancy people who came today so we can hit the buffet line. My pizza didn't get delivered in time for me to eat before leaving.

(Norrington turns and shows off the sword to the audience who all clap appreciatively. Elizabeth is among them.)

Elizabeth: Must...continue...to...breath.... (Tries to adjust the corset) The person that invented corsets should DIE!!!


	7. Chapter 7

_Voice over: At the Navy dock, we catch up with the notorious CAPT. Jack Sparrow as he continues on his quest..._

Capt: Jack: Oh looky there. That's a pretty ship, I think I'll take that one.

Murtogg: Hey! You can't be here!

Capt. Jack: Why not?

Mullroy: Because this area is off limits to civilians!

Capt: Jack: Well who said I was a civilian? How do you know I'm not some big wig commodore making a surprise inspection?

Murtogg: Well...because a commodore wouldn't be dressed like you are!

Capt. Jack: Ah, but if I dressed like a commodore then you'd know I wasn't a civilian and thus would not have attempted to stop me from boarding yonder boat thus making my surprise inspection a moot point.

Mullroy: But if you're some big wig commodore then why aren't you at the party?

Capt: Jack: Oh yes, all of that high-toned and fancy to-do up at the fort. But I think the real question is how could it be that two upstanding gentlemen, such as yourselves, did not merit an invitation?

Murtogg: Someones got to make sure that this dock stays off-limits to civilians.

Capt. Jack: Yes but as we've already discussed, I'm not a civilian. So why don't you fine two gentlemen wander up to the fort and get yourself and nice, cool beverage whilst I stay and guard the ship from pesky civilians? That way you two can get out of this heat and I can finished my inspection.

Mullroy: That could work.

Murtogg: But what if he's lying?

Mullroy: Oh come on now. What is he planning on doing? Stealing one of these ships, picking up a crew in Tortuga, then raiding, pillaging, plundering and otherwise pilfering his weasely black guts out?

Murtogg: Ok, maybe you're right. That is a little far-fetched. Isn't that right sir?

(Both men look around only to see that Capt. Jack is nowhere to be found. They finally spy standing at the wheel of the Interceptor. They run up to him)

Mullroy: What are you doing?

Capt. Jack: I'm inspecting, of course! By the way, which one of these ships do you think is faster?

Murtogg: Well the Interceptor is the faster, but the Dauntless has more guns.

Capt. Jack: Ok, so if I were to borrow one as part of an insane scheme to steal back a stolen ship from a group of un-dead pirates, which would you pick?

Murtogg: ...

Mullroy: ...

Capt. Jack: Hypothetically speaking of course.

Murtogg: You aren't really a commodore, are you?

Capt. Jack: Not presently.

Mullroy: So what are you really planning on doing here in Port Royal?

Capt. Jack: Well right now I'm going to sit down for a moment because here in a few minutes a beautiful young women is going to fall from the fort and I'm going to dive in and save her. After-which Norrington is going to attempt to arrest me for being a pirate.

Murtogg: How do you know all of that?

Capt. Jack: (Pulls the script from his coat) Didn't they give you one of these?

Mullroy: Are you kidding? We're glorified extras, they never tell us anything.

Murtogg: So what happens after Norrington tries to arrest you?

Capt. Jack: Oh boy...


	8. Chapter 8

_Voice Over: Back at the fort, Elizabeth sits and fans herself weakly, Norrington approaches._

Norrington: Hello Elizabeth, wow! You're boobs look really perky in that dress!

Elizabeth: What?!

Norrington: Oh, umm, sorry. That really didn't come out right. What I meant to say was may I have a moment of your tits?

Elizabeth: Excuse me?!

Norrington: No, no sorry! I mean I'm heaving a moment of your time.

Elizabeth: Are you drunk?

Norrington: No! Look, just come over here with me.

_Voice Over:_ _Taking her arm, he drags her towards the parapet.._

Norrington: I'm leading her toward the _what?_

_Voice Over: Parapet. You know, the wall-like barrier at the edge of a roof, terrace, balcony or other structure? It comes from the Italian word "__parapetto" which means_ "to shield"...

Norrington: All right! All right! Damn history nerd...

_Voice Over: What did you say?_

Norrington: Nothing! Anyway, back on subject, you look beautiful Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: (Holding on to the wall for dear life) Thanks...(gasp)

Norrington: I'm sorry if I seem a little too forward, especially after my comments about how stunning your breasts look a moment ago. But I must speak my mind.

Elizabeth: (Gasp) (Nod) (Gasp)

Norrington: (Takes deep breath. Plays "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor in his head for maxium self confidence) There comes a time in every man's life...no that's not it. Let me start over...

Elizabeth: (Gasp) Norrington I can't breath. (Gasp)

Norrington: Yes, I know all of this can be a bit over whelming. But like Tia Dalma said I have a touch of destiny about me. No dangit that was Turner...

Elizabeth: (Gasp) Norrington, I don't think you understand. (Gasp) I...(gasp)...can't...(gaps)...breath (gasp)

Norrington: Hold on, I have it right here. (Pulls out script) Let's see where are we? Hmmm, we haven't rescued you yet, have we?

Elizabeth: (Gasp) Norrington... (Gasp)

Norrington: Oh you're right Elizabeth! Who needs scripts or eloquently written speeches? I love you! Or at least like you a lot! Marry me!

(Turning dramatically, Norrington knocks into Elizabeth who is clinging to the parapet. She tumbles into the ocean)

Norrington: ELIZABETH! Why do I always knock the women I love over cliffs?! (Starts to remove fancy dress coat. Gillette runs over)

Gillette: The rocks! Sir it's a miracle she missed them! Please don't jump!

Norrrington: Jump? Are you mad I'm not going in after her! It's hot outside! I'm just taking my coat off while we wait for Jack Sparrow to save her before we all miraculously appear on the dock beside the Interceptor instead of doing the logical thing which is to run to the nearest dingy and row out to her or go down to the beach and wade in.

Gillette: Of course, Sir! It's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?

Norrington: Because you aren't a commodore, Gillette. Myself and other members of my rank have a carefully honed instinct about certain things.

Gillette: But haven't you only been a commodore for a few minutes?

Norrington: SILENCE! I KILL YOU!!!


	9. Chapter 9

_Voice Over: While Elizabeth plummets to the ocean floor and Norrington channels Jeff Dunham and Achmed the dead terrorist (my most sincere apologies for that, by the way) we rejoin CAPT. Jack..._

CAPT. Jack: ...then the whelp kisses Elizabeth and I sail away on the Pearl and we all live happily ever after until the next movie.

(Splash)

CAPT. Jack: Right on schedule. Unless one of you wish to jump in and save her?

Mullroy: Nope, she's all yours.

Murtogg: We can't swim anyway. I mean really, who knew how to swim in the 1700's?

CAPT. Jack: Point taken. (Jumps in the water)

Mullroy: I give it a 8.0 out of 10. He just didn't have enough form for a higher mark.

(Elizabeth sinks slowly towards the bottom. The pirate medallion floats into view and pulses. Top side, the wind changes direction and clouds start to appear on the horizon. Murtogg and Mullroy grab their hats to keep them from flying away._)_

Murtogg: Wow, great special effects!

Mullroy: I smell an Oscar!

Murtogg: Actually, I think that's a combination of sea water and Jack's rum soaked clothing you're smelling.

(Jack reaches Elizabeth and with a great amount of effort manages to pull her to the surface)

CAPT. Jack: (Choke)...stupid, stupid clothing...(choke)...

(Pulls Elizabeth slowly towards the dock)

Mullroy: (Reads Jack's script and hollers) You do know that you were supposed to take her dress off, right?

CAPT. Jack: Oh yeah...(Starts to rip dress off)

Elizabeth: Hey!

CAPT. Jack: You're supposed to be unconscious so I can dramatically rip your corset off and make you breath again while making a quip about Singapore that only the parents and older kids will truly understand and appreciate.

Elizabeth: Well since I'm awake can't you just unlace the corset a bit _without_ taking my dress off?

CAPT. Jack: (Blank look)

Elizabeth: Fine, just get this thing off of me! It's the closest Norrington is going to get to seeing me naked anyway. (Climbs onto the pier and stands pompously with her arms out like she does with her lady's maid) I'm waiting.

CAPT. Jack: Oh for the love of- (Cuts the dress off and hands it to Murtogg then cuts the corset off and throws it at Mullroy)

Elizabeth: (Takes deep, gasping breath) Oh thank God...

(Norrington and Gov. Swann rush onto the pier with perfect timing.)

Norrington: See? I told you that if we waited we'd magically appear here.

Gillette: Wow you weren't kidding. That works better than a Narnia door.

Gov. Swann: What the...Elizabeth! Dear God I CAN SEE YOUR ANKLES!!!! You're practically naked!!!!!

CAPT. Jack: (Looks at Elizabeth) You're worried about seeing her ankles? Really? That's what you're concerned about here?

Gov. Swann: This is a disaster, your never going to find a suitable husband now!

Norrington: (Stares at Elizabeth's chest) Now that might not be entirely accurate...

Gov. Swann: I'm going to have to marry you off to someone like Turner just to get you off my hands!

Elizabeth: Really?!

Norrington: Now wait a second!

Gov. Swann: Oh you're right! Not even Turner will have you now. You'll probably have to settle for someone like that guy. (Points at Jack)

CAPT. Jack: What's wrong with me? I like me!

Elizabeth: Really is that any way to speak to my rescuer?

CAPT. Jack: Yeah! I believe thanks are in order!

Norrington: You're right. Forgive me, where are my manners? Maybe we can get together later and grab a pizza or something. Watch some football...what do you say? (Norrington puts his hand out to Jack)

CAPT. Jack: Really? Man I haven't had a good guys night in ages. Are you kidding? (Grasps Norrington's hand in a firm handshake)

Norrington: Of course I'm kidding... pirate! (pulls Jack's sleeve up and reveals...a tattoo of a sweet old women's face with the inscription "Mommy's Little Angel")

Norrington: I thought you were a vicious pirate!

CAPT. Jack: Two words mate. Singapore and revenge. Hell hath no fury like a women scorned.

Norrington: Where the heck is your pirate tattoo?!

CAPT. Jack: Oh you mean this? (Holds up other arm and reveals the sparrow tattoo and the branded "P")

Norrington: Ah-ha! Had a little brush with the East India Trading Company, did we? PIRATE! Gillette, go fetch my irons!

CAPT. Jack: You say "Pirate" like it's a bad thing.

Mullroy: He said he was going to steal a ship!

Murtogg: Well he also said he was a commodore and was performing a surprise inspection, just goes to show you can't believe everything you hear.

Gillette: Here are your irons sir!

Norrington: Gillette, that is a golf club.

Gillette: Duh! You said go fetch your irons. I brought your nine iron. The sand wedge, pitching wedge, gap wedge, and lob wedge clubs haven't been invented yet or I'd have grabbed those too.

Norrington: ...

Elizabeth: ...

Gov. Swann: ...

CAPT. Jack: And you say _I'm_ the threat to society?

Norrington: Gillette, I'm going to say this very slowly and carefully. Are you listening?

Gillette: Yulp.

Norrington: Are you listening intently?

Gillette: Yulp.

Norrington: Good. Now, GO GET THE SHACKLES!!!!!!

Gillette: Oh! You mean these? (Pulls shackles from out of nowhere) I always keep an extra pair of these on me. They make me feel important.

Norrington: ... (Facepalm) ... Just put the shackles on the prisoner....

Elizabeth: Commodore is this really necessary? I mean, the guy did jump into the ocean and save me!

CAPT. Jack: And the dress! Don't forget I saved the dress!

Gov. Swann: Well that's true... But one good deed does not forgive a lifetime of wickedness.

Norrington: Right! A lifetime of wickedness...hey that's my line!

CAPT. Jack: But it's enough to make everyone mad at you and try to put you in jail.

Elizabeth: Indeed.

Norrington: That was my line too! Would everyone quit stealing my lines!

CAPT. Jack: Okay, how about I steal this instead? (Throws chains around Elizabeth and walks backwards)

Norrington: You sneaky bastard!

CAPT. Jack: But at least I didn't steal your line.

Gov. Swann: Don't shoot!

Random Soldier: Really? Are you sure?

CAPT. Jack: Gentlemen, my lady, if you'll excuse me I'm going to make an incredibly unbelievable and amazing exit. Oh, and don't forget to watch your heads. I'd hate for one of you to get hit by the cannon that's about to fall from the sky and go crashing through the pier.

Elizabeth: Whatever you want. Just don't breath on me, you smell like rum and really bad eggs.

Gillette: He's going to make a cannon fall from the sky? Wow he must be a magic pirate!

Norrington: He is not a magic pirate! He's actually the worst pirate I've ever heard off!

CAPT. Jack: But you have heard of me!

Elizabeth:...Chains...choking...Can...you...please...just...leave...now?!

CAPT. Jack: Oh fine! Everyone remember! This is the day you _almost_ caught CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow!

(He pushes Elizabeth towards Norrington and Gov. Swann then grabs a rope and pulls free a belaying pin -- a counterweight drops and Jack is lifted up to the middle of the gantry, where he grabs a second rope - Pistols fire -- and miss. Jack swings out, out, out, away and around from the gantry. Norrington pulls free his pistol and fires. His shot tears the rope -- as Jack plummets past one of the gantry's guy lines, he snaps the length of manacle chain over the line and grabs  
hold of the far loop -- slides down the line -- drops to the deck of a ship. He runs, leaping to another ship, then out of sight)


	10. Chapter 10

Wow, so...many...threats.... I'm actually kinda afraid **not** to finish now...*Has visions of **DaughterofPoseidon32498** and **SwordsCrossedForever500 **leaping through the computer screen and attacking with guns blazing and swords glittering coldly* See? See? I'm updating!

Thanks to everyone else who reviewed! I'd especially like to thank **Aquamarine07 **who kept me up past my bed time reading her reviews as they came to my in-box!

Now let the insanity continue!!!

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_Voice over: Uniformed soldiers fill the usually peaceful streets of Port Royal. They search with a sense of organized chaos for the illustrious, and in this case elusive, CAPT. Jack Sparrow..._

CAPT. Jack: Let's see, where would be a good place to hide whilst I think of a way to get these shackles off? (Eyes the statue of a blacksmith) Now that might work.

(CAPT. Jack steps behind the statue and finds a small door. He enters cautiously and finds himself facing a large table strewn with tea cups and tea kettles of various description all in varying degrees of disrepair. Suddenly a man, or at least Jack thinks it's a man, appears out of now where. He's garbed in an obnoxious combination of colors, including a ridiculously tall hat with orange hair sticks out from under it. His face is painted white)

Mad Hatter: Alice you're ba-. Wait a sec, you're not Alice! Who are you and what are you doing in Wonderland?

CAPT. Jack: I was, err, just leaving!

Mad Hatter: But you haven't had tea...

(CAPT. Jack doesn't take the time to have tea. He turns and runs as fast as he possibly can out the door and back into the cobblestone street of Port Royal)

CAPT. Jack: Oh sanity! Glorious sanity! What a horrible, terrible, frightening place! You'd have to be _crazy_ to want to go there!

_Voice Over: Yeah no kidding. That guy had on more makeup than you do._

CAPT. Jack: Makeup? I'm not wearing makeup!

_Voice Over: Then what's that black stuff on your eyes?_

CAPT. Jack: It's eyeliner. The Ancient Egyptians invented it to protect their eyes from the sun.

_Voice Over: Well, sorry to be a stickler for details, but you don't look much like an Ancient Egyptian. And eyeliner is considered makeup where I come from._

CAPT. Jack: You must come some someplace really weird then. I really don't know why I'm talking to you.

_Voice Over: Because I'm a likable voice in your head._

CAPT. Jack: Well why don't you try being a _helpful_ voice in my head and find someplace for me to hide?

_Voice Over: How about in that smithy over there?_

CAPT. Jack: Naw, that'll be the first place they look for me. I need someplace a little more...unorthodox...( he spies a large, ornamental fountain in the square up ahead of him) That'll do.

_Voice Over: For what? Taking a bath?_

CAPT. Jack: Oh would you be quiet now? (Peeping around the corner, he finds the square empty. Quickly, he sprints across the open space and climbs to the top of the fountain. Taking a mouth full of water, he posses on the tippy top and copies the dramatic pose of the rest of the fountain. In this case, a trio of angels gracefully Pirouette while a stream of water flows from their mouths. CAPT. Jack manages to mimic this pose while spitting his mouthful of water. He freezes as a group of soldiers march past)

Random Solidier 1: I still think that's the ugliest fountain I've ever seen.

Random Soldier 2: Ugh, I wish they'd just tear it down. I guess that's what you get when you let Gillette order something.

Random Solidier 1: Gillette ordered it? I thought he'd have better taste than that, really. Why'd they let him pick it?

Random Soldier 2: I dunno. He's friends with some artist guy. Pannini I think his name is.

Random Solidier 1: I don't care what his name is. That fountain is hideous.

Random Officer: Quit you two! We're trying to find a notorious pirate! And I have a feeling he's close, very, very close. Now move out!

(The soldier march out of the square and Jack jumps to the ground)

_Voice Over: How'd that work for you?_

CAPT. Jack: You know on second thought, I think yonder smithy would be a superb place to hide.

_Voice Over: Yeah that's what I thought._


	11. Chapter 11

Thanks to everyone that reviewed! Also, I thought I'd mention that most of the action sequences I just copied and pasted from the original script. It can be found on the Internet. I'm here to remix, not spend all of my time typing out elaborate action scenes! And somehow typing (See movie for details) over and over again just took away from the whole story. So anyway, I just thought I mention that. Now on to the incredibly awsome sword fight scene! Remixed of course!

* * *

_Voice Over: CAPT. Jack creeps into the smithy. It's dark inside, the windows are shuttered against the sunlight, but he can make out the various and assorted works in progress scattered around. An ancient donkey stands harnessed to a huge grindstone, half asleep. A noise startles Jack. He turns and sees the blacksmith slumped soundly asleep in a chair in the corner. His empty rum bottle, the source of the noise, has fallen empty on the ground. Jack approaches him..._

CAPT. Jack: Helloooo... (Pokes blacksmith. No reaction.) Is anyone in there? (Pokes harder. Still no reaction.) HEY BUB!!! (Slaps the blacksmith hard across the face. He falls out of his chair and still doesn't awaken.)

_Voice Over: Damn, I think he might be dead._

CAPT. Jack: Ewww, yeah I think you might be right. Oh well. Onward and upward to bigger and better things. (Crossing the room, he takes a hammer from it's place on the wall he tries to remove his shackles by placing the chain on the anvil and attempting to bang on them with the hammer. Unfortunately the chain is to short for this to be effective and after a few minutes he tosses the hammer over his shoulder and looks around the room for other options. With an evil glint in his eye he spies the gears attached to the grindstone, which is attached to the donkey, which is next to a furnace with red hot pokers. He walks over and picks on up, looking at the donkey contemplatively.)

_Voice Over: Don't you even_ think _about it._

CAPT. Jack: You know, you are quickly going from a "likable voice in my head" to a complete pain in the buttocks.

_Voice Over: I can't help it! I'm a member of PETA!_

CAPT. Jack: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals?

_Voice Over: Well, People Eating Tasty Animals, but still! Isn't there some other way to make him go besides sticking him with a hot poker?!_

CAPT. Jack: Fine... (He takes up position behind the donkey and starts waving his arms) Giddy-up! (No response) Yeah-ha! (No response) Anchors away? (No response) May the Force be with you?! (No response) Oh for crying out loud, are you sure I can't just us the poker? The whelp will be here any minute.

_Voice Over: No poker. Have you considered just asking him nicely to move?_

CAPT. Jack: (Sarcastically) No, actually. I had not contemplated politely asking the jackass to move but I shall do so at once! (Approaches the donkey's head and bows) Pardon me Mr. Jackass, but would you terribly mind walking forward a few paces so that I may remove these shackles? They really are horribly uncomfortable, and I would consider it a personal favor if you would do so immediately.

(The donkey instantly starts to walk forward and the gears of the grindstone creak into motion)

CAPT. Jack: Don't say a word.

_Voice Over: Wouldn't dream of it._

(Quickly, CAPT. Jack throws his chains over the gears and a few seconds later is free. Just in time too, because as the chains snap he hears the door open. Quickly Jack hides as Will Turner enters the smithy.)

Will: Whoa there...(He brings the donkey to a halt, stroking his nose gently. He then looks over to the Blacksmith, who is still lying on the ground) Well, not quite were I left you, but close enough. (He looks over as sees the hammer laying on the ground where Jack threw it) But not at all where I left you...DARN YOU GREMLINS! (He stalks over to it and bends to pick it up, out of the shadows a sword slaps down on his hand.)

CAPT. Jack: Easy there, mate. You really didn't think it was grimlins that moved that hammer, did you?

Will: Oh, err, no. Of course not. Hey, you're the one you're looking for. The pirate.

CAPT. Jack: Really? You think? (Jack looks closer at Will) Say you look familiar. Have I threatened you before?

Will: I've made a point of avoiding familiarity with pirates.

CAPT. Jack: Are you sure? Because I know I've seen you before. Have you ever been to Tortuga?

Will: No, can't say that I have...

CAPT. Jack: Singapore maybe?

Will: Nope.

CAPT. Jack: Hang on a second, it's right on the tip of my tongue... How about that island with the cannibals?

Will: You know, I really don't get out that much.

CAPT. Jack: Yeah, you're right. Unless of course your father was a member of the pirate crew that mutinied against me, stole my ship, marooned me on a island to die, then foolishly stole a chest of Aztec gold and became the cursed undead or something.

Will: Ha! What are the chances of that happening? Hahahaha!

CAPT. Jack: About the same as you and Elizabeth having a happily ever after.

Will: (Stops laughing and grabs a sword) That reminds me, you threatened Miss Swann.

CAPT. Jack: Yeah I did, as a matter of fact. But what you really need to be jealous over is me ripping her clothes off.

(In response, Will assumes an en garde position. Jack appraises him, unhappy to see Will knows what he's doing. The pirate captain attacks. The two men stand in one place, trading feints, thrusts and parries with lightning speed, almost impossible to follow. Will has no trouble matching Jack.)

CAPT. Jack: You know what you're doing, I'll grant you that. By the way, how'd you learn swordsmanship anyway? You're a civilian with a drunk master and last I checked just because you can make a sword doesn't mean you can use one. So how'd you do it?

Will: Oh that was I easy. I just completed Captain Hector Barbossa's "100 Steps To Becoming A Professional Swordsman And All Around Hero". Now available in paperback! (Will pulls a copy out of nowhere and hands it to Jack.)

CAPT. Jack: (Looks at it in disdain) Typical. Well your form's good enough, but how about your footwork? If I step here...(He takes a few steps over. Will matches him) Good! And I step again... (Will matches him step for step) And you do the hokey poky and you turn yourself about?

Will: (Completes the dance with a flourish) That's what it's all about!

CAPT. Jack: Ta-da! Excellent work! Now if you'll excuse me...(Jack turns and heads for the door)

(Will throws his sword, intending for it to bury itself in the door and block Jack's exit. The sword misses and falls to the ground.)

CAPT. Jack: That was so almost awesome.

Will: Hang on, hang on...(Picks up another sword and throws again. It misses completely)

CAPT. Jack: I'm still leaving...

Will: Once more! (He throws on more sword. It hits Jack squarely on the head, his hat falls to the floor.)

CAPT. Jack: You know, I was going to walk out that door and leave you alone. But then you had to go and KNOCK MY HAT OFF. LOOK AT IT! IT'S JUST LYING THERE ON THE FLOOR!!!

Will: Sorry.

CAPT. Jack: Sorry? SORRY? MY HAT IS LYING IN THE DUST AT MY FEET AND ALL YOU CAN MANAGE IS "SORRY"?!?!

Will: Uh...sorry?

CAPT. Jack: That's it, screw the rest of the movie! YOU'RE GOING DOWN WHELP!

Will: Who are you calling "whelp"....PIRATE!!!

( Eyes on Jack, Will picks up a new sword. Jack leaps forward. Will and Jack duel. Their blades flash and ring. Suddenly, Jack swings the chain still manacled to his left hand at Will's head. Will ducks it, comes up wide-eyed. Then Jack's chain smashes across Will's sword, disarming him. Will quickly picks up another sword. Jack becomes aware that the entire room is filled with bladed weapons: swords, knives, boarding axes in various stages of completion.)

CAPT. Jack: Wow, I'm guessing that you make all of these?

Will: Yes! And I practice with them three hours a day! Plus an extra session on the weekends.

CAPT. Jack: You really, really, really need a hobby mate. I personally collect navigational charts to really weird places and am thinking about breaking into Undead Monkey Shooting.

Will: Well I used to collect spooky looking gold medallions but that's not really a hobby you can meet people doing, you know?

CAPT. Jack: Yeah I know what you mean. But you really need to find yourself a girl, mate. Or perhaps the reason you practice three hours a day is that you already found one, and are otherwise incapable of wooing said strumpet.

Will: (Blank look) Once I figure out what the heck a strumpet means I might decide to be insulted.

_Voice Over: Oh you'll probably be insulted, but not as much as when he calls you a eunuch._

CAPT. Jack: Oh, great. It's back.

Will: What do you mean "he calls me a eunuch"? I AM NOT A EUNUCH!

CAPT. Jack: Are you sure?

Will: I practice three hours a day so that when I meet a pirate ... I can kill it!

_(They continue their sword fight jumping onto a cart that sways under them; Will hooks a knife in the irons hanging from Jack's left wrist and throws it up so it is embedded in the beam above, in return Jack hits a loose board which throws Will off the cart; Jack uses his body weight to get the knife out of the wood and falls back on the cart just as Will climbed back on; Will is thrown up into the rafters and cuts free a heavy sack which vaults Jack up into the rafters as well; they fight, jumping from beam to beam; Jack loses his weapon and blinds Will with sand; takes out his pistol while Will protects his eyes)_

Will: Hey! Pftflll! Pftllll! You cheated!

CAPT. Jack: Duh! I'm a pirate!

(They hear soldiers trying to break down the door)

CAPT. Jack: Okay, it's been fun but you need to move now.

Will: Not a chance!

CAPT. Jack: Please?

Will: Nope.

CAPT. Jack: Pretty please with sugar on top?

Will: I can't just step aside and watch you walk out that door! I'd look like the biggest coward in history! I wouldn't be able to get a date with that ugly bar maid, let alone Elizabeth!

CAPT. Jack: You've got a point. But you see, I'm saving this one shot for my revenge on Barbossa. The mutinous first mate that abandoned me on a island.

Will: I can understand your dilemma, but I can't let you escape.

Mr. Brown the Blacksmith: Why don't I just magically wake up and hit you over the head with my rum bottle?

CAPT. Jack: Wait a sec, you're not dead?

Mr. Brown: Nope.

Will: That sounds like a pretty good solution to me.

Mr. Brown: Okay! (Whacks Will over the head)

Will: HIM! You're supposed to hit HIM!

Mr. Brown: Oh, sorry...

CAPT. Jack: I don't think this is the ideal remedy-

(Mr. Brown hits CAPT. Jack over the head with his bottle. The brave captain falls to the ground unconscious while Norrington and his men crash through the door)

Norrington: Excellent work, Mr. Brown. You've assisted in the capture of a dangerous fugitive.

Mr. Brown: Sweet, do I get a reward?

Norrington: Uh, no. No reward. Just my hearty thanks.

Mr. Brown: So is your hearty thanks worth anything on the open market?

Norrington: I don't usually attach monetary value to a thank you...

Mr. Brown: How about eBay?

Norrington: What? No! YOU CAN'T SELL MY THANK YOU ON EBAY!

Mr. Brown: Well screw this, if I'd known that I would have let the guy go! FLY SPARROW! LIKE THE WIND!

CAPT. Jack: asldknf;osidknvaskdfj;lsdfjsodf (Concussed)

Will: Wow.

Norrington: Yeah...I'm going just going to...uh..take him to prison now. I'll see you tomorrow when you throw an axe through my favorite and very expensive map.

Gillette: What you guys didn't understand that? He just said that he needed to use the restroom and would like a bottle of rum when he gets to his cell.

Will: ...

Norrington: ...

Will:...Yeah prisons probably a good idea. Oh and I'm sorry about the whole "axe in the map" thing.

Norrington: You get the girl at the end of the movie and yet you're choosing to apologize for the map?

Will: Well I'm sorry about the map.

Norrington: And on that note I'm just go to take my prisoner and leave.

Will: Don't forget to say you're favorite line.

Norrington: Favorite line? Oh yeah! Well, I trust you will always remember this as the day that Captain Jack Sparrow almost escaped.


End file.
